LaToya’s Top 10 Classiest Drinks

When you want to make that special impression on a certain someone or be the classiest at a swank party, what you bring in the brown paper sack says a lot about you.

Goodness knows you don’t want to show up with the wrong alcohol and embarrass yourself and those around you.

Growing up in a middle-class neighborhood in the suburbs of southern New Jersey, I know CLASS, baby. And this guide could just make or break you the next time you want to look like you know what’s what in the alcohol world.

We all know the traditional favorites among the discerning homeless: Cisco, Mad Dog 20/20, Night Train (Express), Thunderbird and Boone’s Farm, so I won’t bother with those, but instead delve into some lesser known but equally impressive alternatives.

#10 Wild Irish Rose
Some consider this a traditional homeless favorite and some don’t, but we all agree on one thing: no one knows exactly WHAT this is. Is it carefully aged Kool Aid with two scoops of extra sugar and artificial additives thrown in? Is it old Ocean Spray that was left in the sun for weeks, then urinated in, then topped off with grenadine? Is it a government experiment? They call it “wine,” but the world may never know for sure.

Recipe for Disaster:

Purple Jesus
4 oz grape soda
2 oz Wild Irish Rose wine

Mix one part Wild Irish Rose with two parts grape pop over ice. And you might as well carry a trashcan around or hang your head over the shitter right off the bat, ’cause that’s where you’re going to be puking for the next few days.

#9 Purple Passion
“It’s just like grape soda!” they’ll tell you. What they won’t tell you is that it’s just like grape soda that’s had a turd floating in it for weeks, and that it will flat out f*ck your day up. Sure, it always looks impressive to show up at a fancy black tie event with booze that comes in a two-liter plastic soda bottle, but don’t be fooled. You should also note that, during the violent upchucking sure to follow a Purple Passion bender, the Purple Passion actually comes out your nose RED and not Purple. What a gyp.

Recipe for Disaster:

The Beavis
1 oz Everclear alcohol
1 oz Bacardi 151 rum
1 oz Purple Passion
1 oz plum wine
1 oz vodka
1 oz water
1 oz White Lightning cider
1 oz Southern Comfort peach liqueur

Or, you could just kill yourself with a gun or knife, the traditional way.

#8 Brass Monkey
Rum, vodka and orange juice sound pretty benign when you put them together yourself. But fortunately, you don’t have to because a company called Heublein has put it together in a bottle which has become a rare and valuable find at any liquor store. It can usually be found covered in dust at very back of the shelf near the schnapps. We don’t know what kind of funky preservatives they added to make this stuff so brutal, but side effects include inflated sense of own ability to break dance, uncontrollable desire to molest a rubber chicken and profuse karaoke performances of Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name.”

#7 Hot Damn 100
Now Hot Damn is pretty classy. But Hot Damn 100 sends the clear message that you want to get fucked up FAST and fully intend to puke on everything in sight. Because it’s just as tasty as regular Hot Damn, but 100 proof, making it an excellent choice for creating that innocent-tasting, havoc-wreaking Roofie.

Recipe for disaster:

Mt. Hot Damn
1/2 glass Hot Damn 100
1 bottle(s) Mountain Dew

Oh, Jesus. Oh, that’s foul.

#6 V.S.O.P. Passion Blend
Another rarity that can often only be found online, and let’s hope you never do, the V.S.O.P. Passion Blend just screams “CLASS, BABY.” Who doesn’t like cognac and artificial color with a dash (four lbs.) of sugar? Described as “malt liquor with natural flavors,” V.S.O.P Passion has a delightful aged-oak taste with a hint of Rosemary, which is a euphemism for dog piss with a citrus twist.

#5 Martha Stewart Margaritas
Actually, these are tricky, expensive to make and will fuck up anyone’s day that comes within inches of this deadly concoction. It’s no secret the woman liked her booze, and this is proof. Rumor has it she made friends fast and was no one’s bitch in prison thanks to serving this drink in the mess hall. She calls it the “perfect Margarita,” I call it the perfect way to get wasted enough to speak Latin fluently.

Recipe for disaster:

1 lime, cut into 6 wedges
Coarse salt
Ice cubes
1 ¾ cups tequila (LaToya prefers Montezuma or Hornitos)
¼ cup Cointreau
¼ cup Grand Marnier
¼ cup freshly squeezed lime juice
2 to 4 tablespoons lime simple syrup

Throw salt, ice cubes, lime juice and simple syrup in the trash. Save one lime wedge, toss the rest. Pour tequila, Cointreau, and Grand Marnier together in a pitcher. Wave the remaining lime wedge over or somewhere near the mixture. Be careful not to actually get any lime juice in the mixture. Stir. Begin drinking. You won’t remember any of this tomorrow.

#4 Popov Vodka
No Brita filter can make Popov drinkable. That said, here’s a delicious drink recipe.

Recipe for disaster:

Ghetto Booty
(typically uses Stoli “Razberi” and Grand Marnier, but this is the GHETTO version, baby)
½ oz. Popov vodka
One completely thawed FlavoR-Ice, blue raspberry recommended
½ oz. Tang or Sunny Delight

Pour ingredients into a shot glass and serve. For a really good party, multiply recipe by six and pour contents into an empty 40-ounce and carry in a brown paper sack.

#3 Three Olives Chocolate Infused Cherries

This is more the result of lack of punctuation than a drink. As you can see from the picture, this could either be the foulest flavor known to man, or just vodka-soaked cherries. As it turns out, it was the latter. Apparently “Three Olives” is the name of the booze. But you can see where this sign we found at the Gossip Inn could get confusing.

Recipe for disaster:

Olives, chocolate and cherries. Ew.

#2 The Velvet Crush
I heard it in a Soul Coughing song, and thought if Mike Doughty mentions it, it must be good. WRONG. Velvet Crush is Kool Aid and gin and utterly foul. However, if you’re hard up like I often am before a party where you’re supposed to B.Y.O.B., and you’re scrounging through your cabinets and all you can find is a bottle of gin (since no one you know likes gin) and an old packet of Kool Aid, at least you have the makings for a drink that sounds cool, even though it’s not.

Recipe for disaster:

2 oz. Gin.
Add Kool Aid to taste

Pour in an 8 oz. glass and give it to the party guest you hate the most.

#1 Manischewitz (Man-ih-SHEV-itz)
At $3.99 a bottle, you might as well splurge on Manischewitz Blackberry or even Cherry. Or you could just buy a bottle of generic “Wal-tussin” cough syrup.

Recipe for disaster:

The Greek Jew
1 oz. Ouzo
1 oz. Manischewitz
Splash of Sprite

Pour ingredients together in an iced tumbler and…for the love of God, dump them down the drain.

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