Internet Dating, Drinking and My Grandmother’s Seven-Layer Lasagna
by LaToya Prater
Let’s face it, almost everyone has finally caught on that the Internet is for more than just looking at porn. You can actually touch base with real people and maybe get some on your own instead of just watching others enjoy the lascivious indiscretions you yourself so richly deserve.
More and more people are happily finding mates online and that’s just swell, but in order to avoid the all-too-common “axe-murdered and stored in someone’s freezer-friendly Tupperware” scenario, it is important to observe some very strict, common-sense rules before jaunting off to meet that special someone you’ve been chatting up online.
This guide will help you weed out the losers and yet still maximize the potential to score free drinks, meals and hassle-free sex.
Where To Post
The first step to Internet dating is posting some sort of personals ad.
Choose your site wisely.
There are your dating-specific sites like Matchmaker. This is a pool of desperation. These people don’t care about hanging out, getting to know one another, or anything else. They want a date, and they want it NOW.
Then there are your gigantic universal sites like the Yahoo Personals. If you want to maximize the potential for contacts and responses, and aren’t at all picky, this may be a good site for you. It’s filled with…well…everyone. However, the majority of people on here are desperate, semi-illiterate and generally very run-of-the-mill.
You might luck out eventually, but will have to weed through dozens of lame responses, ugly people and “icebreakers” (Yahoo’s version of the “I’m too cheap to buy credits to email you, so I’m sending this lame canned message so YOU can pay to contact ME.”)
Which brings me to my personal recommendation. I’m petite, pretty and a complete dick. But I’m also very intelligent and a witty sense of humor is a must in anyone I’m going to bother with. So, I thought The Onion Personals were a natural.
The Onion has always been one of my favorite satire sites, and I wanted to see if there were any people in Kansas City who shared my offbeat, sarcastic sense of humor and who could spell words like “besmirched” and “obsequious”. I was not looking for a “boyfriend.” Just cool people to get to know.
So I put up a profile on what I thought was The Onion. What I later found out was that this personals network, too, was tied into dozens of others, including Nerve.com, Salon.com and the Village Voice, for Christ’s sake.
But that’s ok, because it still yielded, overall, a much higher caliber of people. I have since dated and made lasting friendships with a handful of cool people from California to Brooklyn, N.Y. And a few in KC, too.
In fact, I now work as an international “escort.” Kidding. I’m still in marketing.
Next, you have to develop a profile. Here are some tips from me to you, and believe me, they will make all the difference. Get it through your head right now you are competing with a shitload of people, so you’d better stand out if you want anyone to give a crap.
1. You MUST include a photo. A recent photo. Trying to fool people is stupid because they will hate you when they find out you’ve gained 48 lbs. and lost most of your hair (then they might chop you up). Even if you are butt-reaming ugly, do it anyway. You never know, some freak out there might find you really attractive. A profile without a photo is an automatic DELETE. If someone doesn’t want me to know what they look like, that’s not a good sign. Chances are, especially with chicks, it indicates a body weight of 250+ lbs.
Take the time to have a really good head shot done if you are serious about picking people up this way. I used my acting/modeling headshots. A good close-up or otherwise flattering picture that wasn’t taken from half a mile away (or more than a year ago) will increase your responses, guaranteed. You can usually post several additional photos. Unless you have several good ones, don’t do this.
• Guys: pictures of you with your mom are just weird
• Pictures with others in them or obviously cut out of them (like your ex) are totally tacky
• Pictures of your cats, dogs, kids or other pets are uncalled for. No one gives a shit and it makes you look like a total sap.
2. Make your profile pop. Places like Plenty of Fish and The Onion/Nerve/Salon etc. give you the opportunity to be creative in your answers. Make your personality jump off the page. You want someone to get a flavor for you. If you’re a total dick, let people know. That way, you’ll attract more of the type of people who are going to be able to stand you in real life.
For example: Anyone who answers the following question (In my bedroom you will find…) like this:
“A bed, a lamp, a dresser, a chair, a book” gets an automatic DELETE. Please. That’s just totally lame, shows complete lack of imagination and no personality whatsoever. And you have to wonder if they’re lying about the book.
3. Make it clear what you are looking for. Unfortunately, there are a lot of losers who can’t seem to read, because when I say I am not interested in men over 42, I mean it, yet I will get 50 and 60 year olds trying to pick me up. That’s a big fat DELETE, grandpa. I wrote something like this in my “more about me” section:
“I am looking for someone as intelligent, twisted and irreverent as me. No religious types, PLEASE. People who frequently use the phrases “let Jesus into your heart,” “are you saved” and “I don’t drink” really turn me off. And for the love of John C. McGuinley, those who are not smart, funny and passionate need not apply. Ten extra points if you can form a coherent sentence and SPELL. I am interested in developing friendships and getting to know cool people. Whatever happens after that remains to be seen. Please, if you’re looking for a “girlfriend” or “wife,” put the desperation DOWN and step AWAY from my profile.”
Bitchy, harsh and to the point. Why waste time with people you can’t stand? If you don’t fit my criteria and you email me, one of four things will happen:
b. If you’re nice enough but just not someone I’d like, I say “thanks but no thanks”.
c. If you’re nice and tolerable and I’m broke or at least a week out from payday, I will agree to try a personal meeting, and then graciously allow you to purchase my food and alcoholic beverages, figuring gracing you with my delightful presence is more than enough payment on my part.
d. If you’re an idiot, I will entertain myself making fun of you until I become bored with it, then DELETE.
The beauty of meeting people online is you can really screen their ass before you waste time meeting them or end up in meaty chunks in their freezer. This is especially valuable for women, so DO IT.
Use common sense. Unfortunately, this is misnamed, as most people don’t have any, but try. After emailing with someone for a short time, you can tell. Shades of psychotic behavior come through immediately. Here are some red flags:
• The person is way too anxious to meet you without even knowing you at all.
• The person is very vague in their profile/emails, or you start to see inconsistencies in the things they tell you (they have kids, then they don’t have kids, they DID star in several snuff films, they DIDN’T star in snuff films but attend church regularly, etc.).
• The person starts arguing and/or fighting with you before ever meeting you.
• The person is instantly possessive, assuming that because you emailed them, they are clearly the only person in your life.
Additional things that qualify for an automatic DELETE in my book are:
1. Emoticons: If you can’t express yourself using actual words from the English language, you are either an immature idiot, or a 13-year-old posing as an adult.
2. Inability to express thoughts in a coherent manner and/or inability to spell.
3. Emails like “UR Hot! Letz Get 2gether. LOL!” or excessive use of any other “IM” language. See point #1. And stop typing LOL before or after everything you write. You are NOT “laughing out loud” that often or you’d have either peed your pants by now or else be exhausted.
4. Anyone who demands to know too much information too fast, with qualifiers like “You have to tell me, because I have to know whether to seduce or discard you.” (no joke, someone actually wrote that)
5. Anyone obviously not interested in being friends, or that is willing to travel halfway across the country to meet me when they don’t even know me at all.
One person emailed me with the following:
“I am a lonely American traveling abroad in Europe. I’m here on business a lot and really want some company. I have plenty of money and would like to fly you out here to spend a weekend with me. I’ll pay for everything.”
Really, you should just DELETE this one faster than a priest takes his pants off at a NAMBLA meeting, because this is probably some scam to lure American women out of the country into slavery, but I wrote back with:
“Isn’t what you’re looking for called ‘a hooker’?”
That shut him up.
It’s not always wise to respond to weirdos, but sometimes it’s just too tempting. Now. Get off this web site and go out there and get some instead of sitting home like a freak recluse watching Internet porn, losers!
Hugs and Kisses, LaToya
– www.KCDrinker.com – 2003 ©
LaToya “GfV” Prater is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a ’77 El Dorado with Ed Asner wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of KC, Mo., Prater indulges her overwhelming addiction to editing other people’s copy to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction, and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).