Ways to Avoid Keeping that Less-Than-Loved Career

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Review this list of absolute musts for screwing up at company functions
by LaToya Prater

Even if an office party winds down with you having made an “ally” of the boss’s husband or a “friend” of the customer’s wife, you less-than-love your job, and screwing up royally at any professional event where you can both ingest (and then later blame) booze is a great way to get rid of said job.

Positively horrific blunders that can’t bear the light of “mornings after” are typically caused by getting too soused or suggestive. Strive for this at all costs.

On your mark…get set…and before you actually go, review this list of absolute musts for screwing up at company functions. Aside from the obvious of making a pass and/or just passing out, the seven best things you can do at a business holiday (or other) party to really louse it up are:

1. BYOB. Bring your own baby, that is. Strap on the Snuggly and bring the baby to the ball. Everyone will be so annoyed at your stories, pictures, and having to hold the damn thing every time you hit the commode, you’ll be hated and talked about for weeks. Be sure to feed lactose-intolerant babies plenty of milk products to add that special touch of kid vomit to the festivities (and the boss’s shoes).

2. Complain about the food, décor, entertainment or venue. Be tacky and sub-par. Obviously, someone (with power over you) is attempting to say thanks and/or show off. Equally obvious is the fact he/she had done it poorly and clearly has no taste. If you cannot be gracious, be a raging asshole.

3. Pull rank. Continuously ask a subordinate to get you a drink, give up a seat or let you break into the buffet line. This will inevitably come back to haunt you and hopefully lead to your being asked to leave the company (say the subordinate takes over the company, or the hotshot you’re recruiting next week noticed and is now convinced you have no class at all) Losing personnel by the boatload is a great way to get canned.

4. Criticize your partner or spouse in front of co-workers. Before showing up, make a pact with each other. Or just surprise your loved one with a barrage of insults in front of anyone who will listen. Good choices include mentioning personal hygiene issues or pointing out your significant other’s sexual shortcomings. Business parties are the perfect occasion on which to joke about such things – it makes everyone uncomfortable, and you become the bitch/bastard of the ball.

5. Gossip. This means about anyone or anything. If you indulge, you will discover – without fail – that the guy you’ve been ignoring on your left is actually the brother of the woman on the dance floor you’ve been taking apart. What’s more, he was at the rear of the elevator on the way up and heard your news about the interview you have scheduled next week at his nephew’s Fortune 500 company. Guess who really just got dished -probably saving you from another potentially miserable foray into the corporate nightmare.

6. Bring up your championship season. Push aside the tables to perform the tango routine that – amazingly – you still remember. Send the bread barreling across the room to reproduce that record-breaking pass. Demonstrate your prowess at spelling eight-syllable words. Be as arrogant, rude and annoying as possible.

7. Run your ideology up the flagpole. No one cares that you’re a vegetarian, libertarian, Rotarian or Scientologist. No one wants to hear an evangelical lecture about gardening, macrobiotic diets, Broadway musicals or whatever happened to Jimmy Hoffa. It’s a party. The more you blather about interests no one else shares (throwing in plenty of self-righteous lectures in the mix), the more everyone will hate you.

AND OF COURSE, GET AS WASTED AS POSSIBLE. This goes without saying, of course, particularly if it’s an open bar. If it’s a cash bar, go back to #3 and pull rank, forcing subordinates to keep you well lubed all night long.

LaToya “GfV” Prater is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken one night and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a ’77 El Dorado with Ed Asner, who was wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of Kansas City, Prater deals fecal diagnostic kits and rectal temps for cats, dogs and lemurs to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction, and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn flicks).

Westport Flea Market

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817 Westport Road
Kansas City, Mo.

Good fun (including darts and pinball), good food, beer a plenty and if for any reason you’ve been wanting to drop acid and don’t have the money or the connections, stare really hard at the flea market booth contents. You’ll get much the same tripped-out effect. Can you believe they almost replaced this Westport staple with a Hooters? Thank God that fell through.

Westport Beach Club

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4050 Pennsylvania Ave.
Kansas City, Mo.

This is a terrible winter hot spot, but the summer is another story. Hot people playing volley ball in swimming attire while you drink on a deck and think you’re on an island somewhere (until you see all the filthy people shuffling up and down Pennsylvania Ave. and remember you’re in KC).

(Fin’s) Waldo Bar

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7438 Wornall Road
Kansas City, Mo.

It’s small, it’s a pretty dirty, and for a lot of regulars, it’s just not the same without ‘Scary Mary’ – one of KC’s more infamous bartenders. She nearly cut me off once, not for over-drinking, but because “huh uh, honey… you drank that last pitcher too slow!” When some guy popped the cue ball on the table, she came running from behind the bar with a hearty “Hey, you want me to pop your balls on the table like that? Then don’t do that to mine!” That’s when I knew Waldo would be one of my regular bars. (Special thanks to Scientist Ken)

W.J. McBride’s

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1340 Village West Pkwy (Legends Shopping Area)
Kansas City, Kan.

This is an O’Dowds for Plaza-phobes. A little less character, and no chance of striking up convo with Tim Grunhard in the pisser. There is a patio in lieu of a deck, but the same tasty Irish concoctions at
emergency-ATM-run prices. Strong drinks create a fertile atmosphere for picking up Blue Valley divorcees, and the private booths will shelter your Guinness-numbed ass from further humiliation. Bring
friends. (special thanks to “g”)

Velvet Dog

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400 East 31st St.
Kansas City, Mo.

One of the hippest looking bars in KC, the Dog is a visual treat for the eyes. Remember to bring your own crowd, because it’s the only way to have a party in this trendy joint. And don’t forget to wear all black, not goth black, just lots of black, you’ll stand out if you don’t. I give Velvet Dog 3rd place in my martini ranking. This used to be a super cool, low key place but then it blew up, and now, if you go
there on a weekend, it looks like someone took a plane-load of L.A.s finest nightcrawlers and dumped them inside. Way too much Maxim Hair Color going on.

Twin City Tavern Bar & Grill

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1815 Westport Rd
Kansas City, Mo.

This is a regular hotspot on Saturday afternoons for a couple reasons: great cheap food, $1 domestic draws, and where else could you meet a sixty-year-old claiming to be the “fastest man in Oklahoma” or a guy proclaiming that he used to be Nick “the kick” Lowry’s coke buddy? The place has character written all over it. (thanks to Matt M.)

Tomfooleries Restaurant & Bar

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12 West 47th Street
Kansas City, Mo.

This Plaza restaurant BARELY counts as a bar, but it’s one of the least obnoxious things on the plaza, and the food is pretty good. Unfortunately, if you order something and specify “no fruit,” your waiter might not come back. Try the fried pickles. Yeah, fried pickles!

Thomas (Piano Bar)

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39th & Bell (across the street from D.B. Cooper’s)
Kansas City, MO

It’s kind of swanky, but they have really interesting drink choices, nice personnel and …. the guy that plays piano. It’s a request-type piano bar and he’ll play you anything from Snoop Dog to Sound of Music. If you’re really drunk and get up there to sing along, they won’t even kick you out. Bring your own party and you’ll have a good time.

Sidekicks Saloon (next to Buddy’s Lounge)

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3715 Main
Kansas City, Mo.

Who doesn’t like a drunk bunch of gay cowboys? If you’re a man, expect a lot of ass grabbing. If you’re a woman, expect to be pleasantly ignored. This bar was surprisingly large, clean and very nice. We had a good time – the Beer Bust they had going the Friday night we were there was well worth the six bucks (for all you can drink domestics). The drag show is a lot of fun. Some of the performers resembled 50-year-old versions of Kelly Clarkson after a long battle with Twinkies and Popov vodka, but we must keep in mind this IS Kansas City, honey.