Coopers’ Bed and Breakfast

ike 9:44 am

Raytown, Mo.
(Invitation only)

A name of occupation or trade, the name “Cooper” is also connected to Cupar, a town in Fifeshire, Scotland, which is derived from Cu-pyre, “the enclosed fire,” or Co, meaning “high, a beacon fire, or signal on the coast for ships.” Except for the “high” part, this has absolutely nothing do to with Coopers’ B&B. What you CAN expect from this delightful getaway is at least two days and one night of drunken debauchery, made more civilized by the beautiful décor and landscaping, fancy towels and individual soaps in each bathroom, and great food. The home commands a towering view of historic Harvard Street in Raytown, Mo. Alcohol is served from noon until 2 a.m., and from 2:30 a.m. to noon. Food is served whenever guests look like they’re going to pass out from all the drinking. Reservations required (not open to the public on the day of and the day following a KCH3 hash). For more information, call 1-888-BOOZE-UP.

The Blue Room

ike 9:12 am

1600 E 18th St. Kansas City, Mo.

I sure was blue after hanging out here. Known for its rich musical history, the Blue Room is located in Kansas City’s historic jazz section, blah blah blah, etc. etc. It was like going to the fucking library. Here I am, a drink in one hand, great jazz playing onstage, and I wanted to tap my foot and talk uproariously with my friends. But NO. The posers at that place were all sitting stock still, pretending to absorb the art or whatever those horn-rimmed frame wearing art gallery-going freaks do. I spoke out loud once, and they tried to stone me. Good music, lame clientele.

Bar 12

ike 8:43 am

1613 Swift Avenue, Kansas City, Mo.
816-221-5255

The “12″ in the name refers to the number of karaoke songs you have to sing to avoid getting your ass kicked. This place is fun, but definitely a karaoke bar (favoring country music), and the singers take it quite seriously. Let’s just say “Salt ‘N’ Peppa’s “Shoop” went over like a lead balloon, but the booze was plentiful and so I went ahead and did “O.P.P.” and “Bust A Move” too. I’ve since been sanctioned from this bar.

A.J.’s Tavern

ike 8:36 am

Independence Ave. & The Paseo.

KCDrinker Exclusive:
Degenerate Bars in Bad Neighborhoods by special slum correspondents Brock & Lumpy*

Really narrow, two pool tables, juke box complete with dancing negro (no joke!). Always a good place to find the mildly insane and homeless drinking the afternoon away. The first visit we had there was complete with over-friendly patrons. One asked how my day was going, and I said, “Great. How’s yours?” And he replied, “I’m gonna go kill me some niggers!” If that isn’t enough for you, there was some crazy old lady pumping money into the juke box and paying some cracked out black dude to dance while she sat there and clapped. Beer was cheap, and entertainment was aplenty.

*KCDrinker Exclusive: Degenerate Bars in Bad Neighborhoods
by special slum correspondents Brock & Lumpy

These two are full blown degenerates. KCD lawyers insist that their opinions are completely their own and do not reflect the wholesome goodness that KCD tries to deliver. (Now kick some ass boys!)

Your Mom’s House

ike 1:26 pm

She broke out the Prince albums and started talking naughty. What can I say?

CASH ONLY.

Your Dad’s Trailer

ike 1:25 pm

He’s got the best damn feather boa collection I’ve ever seen. He also has Erasure remixes you can’t find ANYWHERE. He’s fabulous, and everyone loves his Queer Eye marathon parties. Bottomless Cosmopolitans for everyone!

CASH ONLY

The Daily Limit

ike 5:32 pm

523 NE 111th St
(816) 942-0400

Only I could find a little gem like this buried in that ancient strip mall
behind the McDonald’s at Red Bridge Road and Holmes. I looked at that
strip mall and thought, “now there’s just GOT to be a bar in there.” And
this is it. Daily Limit is your typical dark & smoky sports bar. It’s
pretty roomy, with good bar food and lunch menu and super friendly staff.