Thomas (Piano Bar)

gfv 1:27 pm

39th & Bell (across the street from D.B. Cooper’s)
Kansas City, MO

It’s kind of swanky, but they have really interesting drink choices, nice personnel and …. the guy that plays piano. It’s a request-type piano bar and he’ll play you anything from Snoop Dog to Sound of Music. If you’re really drunk and get up there to sing along, they won’t even kick you out. Bring your own party and you’ll have a good time.

Missie B’s

gfv 7:44 pm

805 W. 39th St.
Kansas City, Mo.
816-561-0625

LaToya says Missie B’s can do NO wrong. As the gay dance club scene goes, this one’s the best. Great entertainment on (and off) stage. Strategically-placed dance floors let you know “you can if you want, but you don’t have to.” As a straight white girl with one too many vodka gimlets in me, I was repeatedly ushered OFF the queen stage in between acts, but then I caught on and began stuffing dollars in the performers’ pants. They like that, and will allow you to remain on stage making an ass of yourself for up to one whole minute, which is a long time when you’re throwing away the shred of dignity you even had left.

Jimmy’s Jigger

ike 12:20 pm

1823 W. 39th Street
Kansas City, Mo.
816-531-5556

(AKA, the waiting room for Jazz) Jimmy’s is the second smallest and absolute dirtiest bar in KC – it’s attached to Jazz Louisiana Kitchen (Kansas City’s gateway to the malaria-filled Bayou) and is designed for one person at a time to have a drink while waiting for their table at Jazz. We’re still waiting on the drink we ordered there back in 2003. “Pretty dismal” sums it up.

Gilhouly’s

ike 10:38 am

1721 W 39th Street, Kansas City, Mo.

An Italian-owned Irish pub? Yep. This dive features hot ex-strippers tending bar, a fun (mostly) friendly regular crowd and bathrooms smaller than that broom closet in high school where you lost your virginity. However, they don’t cut you any deals on drink prices unless you’re a pimp, so prime the credit card for a bender at Gilhouly’s.

Jayhawkers

ike 9:59 am

a.k.a. Texas Tom’s
a.k.a Downing’s Grill and Sports Bar

3916 Rainbow, Kansas City, Kan.
816-531-9004

Just across the street from KU Med Center, this used to be a Texas Tom’s, but then it was Downing’s, and now it’s a KU bar. After Downings, I have still refused to go check this place out. Which is sad. I can walk there from home, but I’d rather risk the DUI. Oh, um, there’s a really cheap lunch buffet, if you like such things.

D.B. Coopers

ike 9:52 am

1804 W 39th Street, Kansas City, Mo.

Everything is cheap here, including 90 percent of the clientele. It is the only bar in KC that closes at 3 a.m., and reopens 3 hours later. Sometimes you just need that Old Style draft at the ass-crack of dawn. Saturday mornings are especially fun here. See Karen (a.k.a. Farah Fawcett) for extra-kick-in-the-crotch-strong Bloody Marys and Jager bombs.

Your Mom’s House

ike 1:26 pm

She broke out the Prince albums and started talking naughty. What can I say?

CASH ONLY.

Your Dad’s Trailer

ike 1:25 pm

He’s got the best damn feather boa collection I’ve ever seen. He also has Erasure remixes you can’t find ANYWHERE. He’s fabulous, and everyone loves his Queer Eye marathon parties. Bottomless Cosmopolitans for everyone!

CASH ONLY