ike 12:12 pm

Coming soon to a strip mall near you.

If you’re a forty-plus male with random bills of demoninations over twenty falling out of your pockets, welcome aboard you sexy beast. If not, enjoy the dry but cheap chicken and average sized, if even that, breasts. Boobies are great for distracting you from things like personality, overpriced pitchers, gaudy flair and any real menu to speak of. But say what you will, the wings still kick ass. The Overland Park location is the best of the three, and come in the evening if you wanna see their A-game. For the most faux-flirt time, sit at the bar, and it helps to pretend you’re a producer or a photographer. How’s the beer? It’s did-you-see-that-ass-alicious. (special thanks to “g” for paragraph two)

Fiesta Azteca

ike 10:11 am

7534 Ratown Road, Raytown, Mo.

Not a bar per se, but a great place for some authentic Mexican food and the most kick-ass margaritas in town. And by kick ass, I mean these delicious concoctions sneak up behind you, tap you politely on the shoulder, then belt you flat on your ass with the fastest, wickedest drunk you’ll ever experience. Now, doesn’t that sound fun?? If you can brave the wilds of Raytown (not that you would do so on purpose), visit our friends at Azteca.

Coopers’ Bed and Breakfast

ike 9:44 am

Raytown, Mo.
(Invitation only)

A name of occupation or trade, the name “Cooper” is also connected to Cupar, a town in Fifeshire, Scotland, which is derived from Cu-pyre, “the enclosed fire,” or Co, meaning “high, a beacon fire, or signal on the coast for ships.” Except for the “high” part, this has absolutely nothing do to with Coopers’ B&B. What you CAN expect from this delightful getaway is at least two days and one night of drunken debauchery, made more civilized by the beautiful décor and landscaping, fancy towels and individual soaps in each bathroom, and great food. The home commands a towering view of historic Harvard Street in Raytown, Mo. Alcohol is served from noon until 2 a.m., and from 2:30 a.m. to noon. Food is served whenever guests look like they’re going to pass out from all the drinking. Reservations required (not open to the public on the day of and the day following a KCH3 hash). For more information, call 1-888-BOOZE-UP.

Your Mom’s House

ike 1:26 pm

She broke out the Prince albums and started talking naughty. What can I say?


Your Dad’s Trailer

ike 1:25 pm

He’s got the best damn feather boa collection I’ve ever seen. He also has Erasure remixes you can’t find ANYWHERE. He’s fabulous, and everyone loves his Queer Eye marathon parties. Bottomless Cosmopolitans for everyone!