gfv 6:05 pm
A real man …. is a woman’s best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions, and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the prettiest girl in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible…no, wait…sorry. I’m thinking of whiskey. It’s whiskey that does all that.
*do not expose to bright light
ike 2:55 pm
Pretty sure I could take out a few more than that!
gfv 4:39 pm
When you want to make that special impression on a certain someone or be the classiest at a swank party, what you bring in the brown paper sack says a lot about you.
Goodness knows you don’t want to show up with the wrong alcohol and embarrass yourself and those around you.
Growing up in a middle-class neighborhood in the suburbs of southern New Jersey, I know CLASS, baby. And this guide could just make or break you the next time you want to look like you know what’s what in the alcohol world.
We all know the traditional favorites among the discerning homeless: Cisco, Mad Dog 20/20, Night Train (Express), Thunderbird and Boone’s Farm, so I won’t bother with those, but instead delve into some lesser known but equally impressive alternatives.
#10 Wild Irish Rose
Some consider this a traditional homeless favorite and some don’t, but we all agree on one thing: no one knows exactly WHAT this is. Is it carefully aged Kool Aid with two scoops of extra sugar and artificial additives thrown in? Is it old Ocean Spray that was left in the sun for weeks, then urinated in, then topped off with grenadine? Is it a government experiment? They call it “wine,” but the world may never know for sure.
Recipe for Disaster:
4 oz grape soda
2 oz Wild Irish Rose wine
Mix one part Wild Irish Rose with two parts grape pop over ice. And you might as well carry a trashcan around or hang your head over the shitter right off the bat, ’cause that’s where you’re going to be puking for the next few days.
#9 Purple Passion
“It’s just like grape soda!” they’ll tell you. What they won’t tell you is that it’s just like grape soda that’s had a turd floating in it for weeks, and that it will flat out f*ck your day up. Sure, it always looks impressive to show up at a fancy black tie event with booze that comes in a two-liter plastic soda bottle, but don’t be fooled. You should also note that, during the violent upchucking sure to follow a Purple Passion bender, the Purple Passion actually comes out your nose RED and not Purple. What a gyp.
Recipe for Disaster:
1 oz Everclear alcohol
1 oz Bacardi 151 rum
1 oz Purple Passion
1 oz plum wine
1 oz vodka
1 oz water
1 oz White Lightning cider
1 oz Southern Comfort peach liqueur
Or, you could just kill yourself with a gun or knife, the traditional way.
#8 Brass Monkey
Rum, vodka and orange juice sound pretty benign when you put them together yourself. But fortunately, you don’t have to because a company called Heublein has put it together in a bottle which has become a rare and valuable find at any liquor store. It can usually be found covered in dust at very back of the shelf near the schnapps. We don’t know what kind of funky preservatives they added to make this stuff so brutal, but side effects include inflated sense of own ability to break dance, uncontrollable desire to molest a rubber chicken and profuse karaoke performances of Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name.”
#7 Hot Damn 100
Now Hot Damn is pretty classy. But Hot Damn 100 sends the clear message that you want to get fucked up FAST and fully intend to puke on everything in sight. Because it’s just as tasty as regular Hot Damn, but 100 proof, making it an excellent choice for creating that innocent-tasting, havoc-wreaking Roofie.
Recipe for disaster:
Mt. Hot Damn
1/2 glass Hot Damn 100
1 bottle(s) Mountain Dew
Oh, Jesus. Oh, that’s foul.
#6 V.S.O.P. Passion Blend
Another rarity that can often only be found online, and let’s hope you never do, the V.S.O.P. Passion Blend just screams “CLASS, BABY.” Who doesn’t like cognac and artificial color with a dash (four lbs.) of sugar? Described as “malt liquor with natural flavors,” V.S.O.P Passion has a delightful aged-oak taste with a hint of Rosemary, which is a euphemism for dog piss with a citrus twist.
#5 Martha Stewart Margaritas
Actually, these are tricky, expensive to make and will fuck up anyone’s day that comes within inches of this deadly concoction. It’s no secret the woman liked her booze, and this is proof. Rumor has it she made friends fast and was no one’s bitch in prison thanks to serving this drink in the mess hall. She calls it the “perfect Margarita,” I call it the perfect way to get wasted enough to speak Latin fluently.
Recipe for disaster:
1 lime, cut into 6 wedges
1 ¾ cups tequila (LaToya prefers Montezuma or Hornitos)
¼ cup Cointreau
¼ cup Grand Marnier
¼ cup freshly squeezed lime juice
2 to 4 tablespoons lime simple syrup
Throw salt, ice cubes, lime juice and simple syrup in the trash. Save one lime wedge, toss the rest. Pour tequila, Cointreau, and Grand Marnier together in a pitcher. Wave the remaining lime wedge over or somewhere near the mixture. Be careful not to actually get any lime juice in the mixture. Stir. Begin drinking. You won’t remember any of this tomorrow.
#4 Popov Vodka
No Brita filter can make Popov drinkable. That said, here’s a delicious drink recipe.
Recipe for disaster:
(typically uses Stoli “Razberi” and Grand Marnier, but this is the GHETTO version, baby)
½ oz. Popov vodka
One completely thawed FlavoR-Ice, blue raspberry recommended
½ oz. Tang or Sunny Delight
Pour ingredients into a shot glass and serve. For a really good party, multiply recipe by six and pour contents into an empty 40-ounce and carry in a brown paper sack.
#3 Three Olives Chocolate Infused Cherries
This is more the result of lack of punctuation than a drink. As you can see from the picture, this could either be the foulest flavor known to man, or just vodka-soaked cherries. As it turns out, it was the latter. Apparently “Three Olives” is the name of the booze. But you can see where this sign we found at the Gossip Inn could get confusing.
Recipe for disaster:
Olives, chocolate and cherries. Ew.
#2 The Velvet Crush
I heard it in a Soul Coughing song, and thought if Mike Doughty mentions it, it must be good. WRONG. Velvet Crush is Kool Aid and gin and utterly foul. However, if you’re hard up like I often am before a party where you’re supposed to B.Y.O.B., and you’re scrounging through your cabinets and all you can find is a bottle of gin (since no one you know likes gin) and an old packet of Kool Aid, at least you have the makings for a drink that sounds cool, even though it’s not.
Recipe for disaster:
2 oz. Gin.
Add Kool Aid to taste
Pour in an 8 oz. glass and give it to the party guest you hate the most.
#1 Manischewitz (Man-ih-SHEV-itz)
At $3.99 a bottle, you might as well splurge on Manischewitz Blackberry or even Cherry. Or you could just buy a bottle of generic “Wal-tussin” cough syrup.
Recipe for disaster:
The Greek Jew
1 oz. Ouzo
1 oz. Manischewitz
Splash of Sprite
Pour ingredients together in an iced tumbler and…for the love of God, dump them down the drain.
gfv 4:30 pm
Internet Dating, Drinking and My Grandmother’s Seven-Layer Lasagna
by LaToya Prater
Let’s face it, almost everyone has finally caught on that the Internet is for more than just looking at porn. You can actually touch base with real people and maybe get some on your own instead of just watching others enjoy the lascivious indiscretions you yourself so richly deserve.
More and more people are happily finding mates online and that’s just swell, but in order to avoid the all-too-common “axe-murdered and stored in someone’s freezer-friendly Tupperware” scenario, it is important to observe some very strict, common-sense rules before jaunting off to meet that special someone you’ve been chatting up online.
This guide will help you weed out the losers and yet still maximize the potential to score free drinks, meals and hassle-free sex.
Where To Post
The first step to Internet dating is posting some sort of personals ad.
Choose your site wisely.
There are your dating-specific sites like Matchmaker. This is a pool of desperation. These people don’t care about hanging out, getting to know one another, or anything else. They want a date, and they want it NOW.
Then there are your gigantic universal sites like the Yahoo Personals. If you want to maximize the potential for contacts and responses, and aren’t at all picky, this may be a good site for you. It’s filled with…well…everyone. However, the majority of people on here are desperate, semi-illiterate and generally very run-of-the-mill.
You might luck out eventually, but will have to weed through dozens of lame responses, ugly people and “icebreakers” (Yahoo’s version of the “I’m too cheap to buy credits to email you, so I’m sending this lame canned message so YOU can pay to contact ME.”)
Which brings me to my personal recommendation. I’m petite, pretty and a complete dick. But I’m also very intelligent and a witty sense of humor is a must in anyone I’m going to bother with. So, I thought The Onion Personals were a natural.
The Onion has always been one of my favorite satire sites, and I wanted to see if there were any people in Kansas City who shared my offbeat, sarcastic sense of humor and who could spell words like “besmirched” and “obsequious”. I was not looking for a “boyfriend.” Just cool people to get to know.
So I put up a profile on what I thought was The Onion. What I later found out was that this personals network, too, was tied into dozens of others, including Nerve.com, Salon.com and the Village Voice, for Christ’s sake.
But that’s ok, because it still yielded, overall, a much higher caliber of people. I have since dated and made lasting friendships with a handful of cool people from California to Brooklyn, N.Y. And a few in KC, too.
In fact, I now work as an international “escort.” Kidding. I’m still in marketing.
Next, you have to develop a profile. Here are some tips from me to you, and believe me, they will make all the difference. Get it through your head right now you are competing with a shitload of people, so you’d better stand out if you want anyone to give a crap.
1. You MUST include a photo. A recent photo. Trying to fool people is stupid because they will hate you when they find out you’ve gained 48 lbs. and lost most of your hair (then they might chop you up). Even if you are butt-reaming ugly, do it anyway. You never know, some freak out there might find you really attractive. A profile without a photo is an automatic DELETE. If someone doesn’t want me to know what they look like, that’s not a good sign. Chances are, especially with chicks, it indicates a body weight of 250+ lbs.
Take the time to have a really good head shot done if you are serious about picking people up this way. I used my acting/modeling headshots. A good close-up or otherwise flattering picture that wasn’t taken from half a mile away (or more than a year ago) will increase your responses, guaranteed. You can usually post several additional photos. Unless you have several good ones, don’t do this.
• Guys: pictures of you with your mom are just weird
• Pictures with others in them or obviously cut out of them (like your ex) are totally tacky
• Pictures of your cats, dogs, kids or other pets are uncalled for. No one gives a shit and it makes you look like a total sap.
2. Make your profile pop. Places like Plenty of Fish and The Onion/Nerve/Salon etc. give you the opportunity to be creative in your answers. Make your personality jump off the page. You want someone to get a flavor for you. If you’re a total dick, let people know. That way, you’ll attract more of the type of people who are going to be able to stand you in real life.
For example: Anyone who answers the following question (In my bedroom you will find…) like this:
“A bed, a lamp, a dresser, a chair, a book” gets an automatic DELETE. Please. That’s just totally lame, shows complete lack of imagination and no personality whatsoever. And you have to wonder if they’re lying about the book.
3. Make it clear what you are looking for. Unfortunately, there are a lot of losers who can’t seem to read, because when I say I am not interested in men over 42, I mean it, yet I will get 50 and 60 year olds trying to pick me up. That’s a big fat DELETE, grandpa. I wrote something like this in my “more about me” section:
“I am looking for someone as intelligent, twisted and irreverent as me. No religious types, PLEASE. People who frequently use the phrases “let Jesus into your heart,” “are you saved” and “I don’t drink” really turn me off. And for the love of John C. McGuinley, those who are not smart, funny and passionate need not apply. Ten extra points if you can form a coherent sentence and SPELL. I am interested in developing friendships and getting to know cool people. Whatever happens after that remains to be seen. Please, if you’re looking for a “girlfriend” or “wife,” put the desperation DOWN and step AWAY from my profile.”
Bitchy, harsh and to the point. Why waste time with people you can’t stand? If you don’t fit my criteria and you email me, one of four things will happen:
b. If you’re nice enough but just not someone I’d like, I say “thanks but no thanks”.
c. If you’re nice and tolerable and I’m broke or at least a week out from payday, I will agree to try a personal meeting, and then graciously allow you to purchase my food and alcoholic beverages, figuring gracing you with my delightful presence is more than enough payment on my part.
d. If you’re an idiot, I will entertain myself making fun of you until I become bored with it, then DELETE.
The beauty of meeting people online is you can really screen their ass before you waste time meeting them or end up in meaty chunks in their freezer. This is especially valuable for women, so DO IT.
Use common sense. Unfortunately, this is misnamed, as most people don’t have any, but try. After emailing with someone for a short time, you can tell. Shades of psychotic behavior come through immediately. Here are some red flags:
• The person is way too anxious to meet you without even knowing you at all.
• The person is very vague in their profile/emails, or you start to see inconsistencies in the things they tell you (they have kids, then they don’t have kids, they DID star in several snuff films, they DIDN’T star in snuff films but attend church regularly, etc.).
• The person starts arguing and/or fighting with you before ever meeting you.
• The person is instantly possessive, assuming that because you emailed them, they are clearly the only person in your life.
Additional things that qualify for an automatic DELETE in my book are:
1. Emoticons: If you can’t express yourself using actual words from the English language, you are either an immature idiot, or a 13-year-old posing as an adult.
2. Inability to express thoughts in a coherent manner and/or inability to spell.
3. Emails like “UR Hot! Letz Get 2gether. LOL!” or excessive use of any other “IM” language. See point #1. And stop typing LOL before or after everything you write. You are NOT “laughing out loud” that often or you’d have either peed your pants by now or else be exhausted.
4. Anyone who demands to know too much information too fast, with qualifiers like “You have to tell me, because I have to know whether to seduce or discard you.” (no joke, someone actually wrote that)
5. Anyone obviously not interested in being friends, or that is willing to travel halfway across the country to meet me when they don’t even know me at all.
One person emailed me with the following:
“I am a lonely American traveling abroad in Europe. I’m here on business a lot and really want some company. I have plenty of money and would like to fly you out here to spend a weekend with me. I’ll pay for everything.”
Really, you should just DELETE this one faster than a priest takes his pants off at a NAMBLA meeting, because this is probably some scam to lure American women out of the country into slavery, but I wrote back with:
“Isn’t what you’re looking for called ‘a hooker’?”
That shut him up.
It’s not always wise to respond to weirdos, but sometimes it’s just too tempting. Now. Get off this web site and go out there and get some instead of sitting home like a freak recluse watching Internet porn, losers!
Hugs and Kisses, LaToya
- www.KCDrinker.com – 2003 ©
LaToya “GfV” Prater is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a ’77 El Dorado with Ed Asner wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of KC, Mo., Prater indulges her overwhelming addiction to editing other people’s copy to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction, and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).
gfv 4:24 pm
Top Singles Scenes in Kansas City
Looking for A Date? Pfff. Forget It.
by LaToya Prater
The following locations have been publicly rated among the best places for singles in Kansas City. Since we all know the only way to meet other people as lame as yourself is through online personals, we can deduce this list is bull.
However, we feel it’s our duty to report this information, along with the reasons we think
these places may have been chosen for this…um…honor.
The Power and Light District
White? Wearing an expensive corporate wardrobe? Good. You’ll meet all the other Kansas Citians who are unique, just like you, and boring as a vanilla milkshake in this cookie-cutter world of total unoriginality and inexplicably high drink prices.
444 Ward Parkway, Kansas City, Mo.
You make eye contact. As fate would have it, both of you are retching – either from the lack of air, the sub-par sushi or the obnoxious 18-year-old wait staff. Either way, it’s destiny baby.
Velvet Dog (and all of Martini Corner)
31ST, Kansas City, Mo.
There’s nothing more special than realizing you both use “Sand Storm” Maxim Hair Highlights
NOW, even though you both used to use “Beach Blonde,” which you BOTH think is “so 2003.” You also both LOVE chocolate martinis and pretending you live in L.A. instead of K.C.
Raoul’s Velvet Room
7222 W 119th St. Overland Park, Kan.
It’s sexy watching over-dressed snobs sweat through their finery to the musical stylings of
Disco Dick and the Mirror Balls. It’s even sexier when they drink amaretto and diet Coke.
Watch out bikers and hardened criminals – that’s HARDCORE.
The Capital Grille
4740 Jefferson, Kansas City, Mo.
Boozefish Wine Bar
1511 Westport Rd Kansas City, Mo.
He’s 46. You’re 22. He’s got money. Yeah, you’ll get drunk on Don P. and sleep with him.
McCoy’s Public House
4057 Pennsylvania, Kansas City, Mo.
McCoy’s is good. You aren’t likely to get a date here, but you know you already have one with your hand later anyway.
6411 NW Barry Rd., Kansas City, Mo.
At KCD, we think this is more of a “first date” kind of place. There’s no better ice breaker than letting your date watch while a hot, trashy, scantily-clad Hooters girl sits on your lap and grinds out an order of delicious, once-frozen fried clams.
Cold hands on the back of your neck. As you fly down the bar on your belly, you’re not entirely sorry. The cute blonde whose beer you just knocked in his/her face is still looking at you.
616 Ward Pkwy., Kansas City Mo.
There’s no room to move. You inevitably bump into someone. His face is as tear-stained as
yours. You see that he, too, has just gotten the tab. You wonder if anyone can spot you six
- www.KCDrinker.com – 2004 ©
LaToya “GfV” Prater is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a ’77 El Dorado with Ed Asner wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of KC, Mo., Prater indulges her overwhelming addiction to editing other people’s copy to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).
gfv 2:36 pm
Review this list of absolute musts for screwing up at company functions
by LaToya Prater
Even if an office party winds down with you having made an “ally” of the boss’s husband or a “friend” of the customer’s wife, you less-than-love your job, and screwing up royally at any professional event where you can both ingest (and then later blame) booze is a great way to get rid of said job.
Positively horrific blunders that can’t bear the light of “mornings after” are typically caused by getting too soused or suggestive. Strive for this at all costs.
On your mark…get set…and before you actually go, review this list of absolute musts for screwing up at company functions. Aside from the obvious of making a pass and/or just passing out, the seven best things you can do at a business holiday (or other) party to really louse it up are:
1. BYOB. Bring your own baby, that is. Strap on the Snuggly and bring the baby to the ball. Everyone will be so annoyed at your stories, pictures, and having to hold the damn thing every time you hit the commode, you’ll be hated and talked about for weeks. Be sure to feed lactose-intolerant babies plenty of milk products to add that special touch of kid vomit to the festivities (and the boss’s shoes).
2. Complain about the food, décor, entertainment or venue. Be tacky and sub-par. Obviously, someone (with power over you) is attempting to say thanks and/or show off. Equally obvious is the fact he/she had done it poorly and clearly has no taste. If you cannot be gracious, be a raging asshole.
3. Pull rank. Continuously ask a subordinate to get you a drink, give up a seat or let you break into the buffet line. This will inevitably come back to haunt you and hopefully lead to your being asked to leave the company (say the subordinate takes over the company, or the hotshot you’re recruiting next week noticed and is now convinced you have no class at all) Losing personnel by the boatload is a great way to get canned.
4. Criticize your partner or spouse in front of co-workers. Before showing up, make a pact with each other. Or just surprise your loved one with a barrage of insults in front of anyone who will listen. Good choices include mentioning personal hygiene issues or pointing out your significant other’s sexual shortcomings. Business parties are the perfect occasion on which to joke about such things – it makes everyone uncomfortable, and you become the bitch/bastard of the ball.
5. Gossip. This means about anyone or anything. If you indulge, you will discover – without fail – that the guy you’ve been ignoring on your left is actually the brother of the woman on the dance floor you’ve been taking apart. What’s more, he was at the rear of the elevator on the way up and heard your news about the interview you have scheduled next week at his nephew’s Fortune 500 company. Guess who really just got dished -probably saving you from another potentially miserable foray into the corporate nightmare.
6. Bring up your championship season. Push aside the tables to perform the tango routine that – amazingly – you still remember. Send the bread barreling across the room to reproduce that record-breaking pass. Demonstrate your prowess at spelling eight-syllable words. Be as arrogant, rude and annoying as possible.
7. Run your ideology up the flagpole. No one cares that you’re a vegetarian, libertarian, Rotarian or Scientologist. No one wants to hear an evangelical lecture about gardening, macrobiotic diets, Broadway musicals or whatever happened to Jimmy Hoffa. It’s a party. The more you blather about interests no one else shares (throwing in plenty of self-righteous lectures in the mix), the more everyone will hate you.
AND OF COURSE, GET AS WASTED AS POSSIBLE. This goes without saying, of course, particularly if it’s an open bar. If it’s a cash bar, go back to #3 and pull rank, forcing subordinates to keep you well lubed all night long.
LaToya “GfV” Prater is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken one night and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a ’77 El Dorado with Ed Asner, who was wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of Kansas City, Prater deals fecal diagnostic kits and rectal temps for cats, dogs and lemurs to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction, and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn flicks).